What the Catholic Church Really Taught Me

By Sarah

Ironic Photoshop done by guest artist Holly Hamlin.

Disclaimer: This is detailing my personal experience in Cleveland Catholic schools. This is in no way intended to be a generalization on Catholic education or an attack on the religion itself. I would also like to say that I have never been abused by a nun. Take it for what it is and hopefully laugh about it!

Growing up in the heart of Cleveland, you learn pretty quickly that there’s a big divide between the public and Catholic schools, and the Catholics usually win. I’m a still recovering product of a Catholic education, and let me tell you, the rumors are probably true. However, since they made that one rule where they nuns can’t smack your knuckles with a ruler, things weren’t that terrible at good old St. Angela’s. In the spirit of Lent, here’s a detailed list of what the Catholic Church really taught me. For as Mr. Mark Twain once said, “I never let my schooling interfere with my education.”

1. No one looks put together or innocent in a plaid skirt. Pervy men have the schoolgirl fantasy for a reason, and this is it. It’s a little hard to concentrate on fractions when every girl in 8^th grade looks like they burst out of a Britney Spears video. Those skirts also only had one pocket, which made it very difficult to carry a phone, wallet, I.D. card, and several tubes of Bonne Bell all at once. Catholics also really like to make teenage sweater vest and kilt.
2. You better make it to mandatory mass, and you better really be singing. Once a month we had an all school or class mass, and it was pretty much show up or die. They even placed a teacher at the end of each row to make sure you were really singing and doing the responses. While their treatment of students like regulated cattle was a tad much, this is probably why I’m so punctual to this day. Mass taught me that if I have to be somewhere, I might as well do it right and do it right away.
3. Any color nail polish besides clear is whore-ish. I feel like this speaks for itself, but I’ll explain anyway. If we were seen with colored nails, it’s was off the principal’s office to remove it. The same went for eyeliner, mascara, or any other beauty enhancement. Take off the cosmetics and make more room for Jesus people.
4.  Money means EVERYTHING. This is probably the most valuable lesson I’ve learned. While not fair or just in anyway, it’s undeniable that the more money you put in the collection plate on Sunday, the more perks you received. Because money=influence, and I had no money, I had to work twice as hard to get the same things that other kids got because of their last name. This is one of the few times that something the Church taught me translated into the real world. However, in the process of constantly trying to prove to people I was their equal, I proved it to myself and found my confidence.
5.  Kids are jerks. This was the only time in my life where I was bullied, and it made going to school unbearable. And all because I was the new girl in town and I didn’t live in a five story house with tacky BeBe sparkle t-shirts or too-tight Abercrombie jeans. But in the end, I made one of the best friends I have ever had, and I’m a stronger person because of it.
6. Catholic kids are the first to go crazy! When I see one girl in booty shorts sitting a dark theatre with a bunch of boys, or find pictures on Facebook of a bunch of freshmen pounding Natty lights, it’s pretty safe to conclude that they went through the private school system. And then those of us with our heads screwed on straight can sit back and watch the whole thing unfold.
7. There may be other religions, but they’re irrelevant. I was never big on theology class, mostly because I didn’t understand why God would give people so many rules. But try telling the priests that. Actually don’t, they might smite you. In my experience, Catholics tend to think that their opinion is the right opinion. But there is in fact a whole world of different ideologies out there, and it’s really cool to compare belief systems with people.
8. Note passing gets things done. Since relations between boys and girls were highly inappropriate, it was often necessary to pass a note chain around to figure out who liked whom. This could get pretty elaborate and confusing, so it was necessary to develop a skill at deciphering said note chains. This is directly linked to critical thinking skills that benefit SAT takers.

My overall experience with Catholic education wasn’t excruciating or anything, but one thing’s for sure. My future progeny will sooner go to Hogwarts than St. whatever.